How I feel Today. 17/1/2013

How I feel Today.   17/1/2013

MatixMen is going well now, we have a home at one of the mental health hospitals in Johannesburg and have meetings once a week in the evenings.  Other than that I am learning a lot. I found that, although I want to change the world NOW, the world does not want to be changed.  They prefer things to happen at their own pace and in their own time.
So I no longer have this desperate mad dash to get everything working, I can take my time and get the word out there slowly.

I have good friends world wide that have given me sage advice and I respect their opinions because they have done this before.
Helping the world takes time and time is something that I have, so all I need to add to that is patience.

Well I haven't written here for a while. I have been pretty busy with the set-up of MM. 

I would like to say that life is a bed of roses, but it is not.  I am still not home, things go well for a while and then the wheels come of. The wife seems to feel that I have not changed, she feels that I will always be the horrible person that I have always been.  HOW DO I CONVINCE HER THAT I AM NOT.

I feel that so much has changed in my life, and I try to show her this, but she refuses to see it.  Fact is that I am not trying to show her, I am just trying to be myself, this is the me, I hope you like it.

She seems to not want to accept this, and what happens, she starts pushing my buttons and BOOM I loose it.  This of course gives her justification "See he still has a bad temper" I took out the laptop to pay for my daughters air time tonight, While I was on line I down loaded my emails, and well this became a big issue. "See I let you in a little and you go back to your old ways, on the laptop all the time" 

I wasn't on the laptop all the time I just paid for something and while online I downloaded emails?? Does this make me a bad person, does this mean I am still the same, that I haven't changed?

I desperately want to be with my family and I feel that she is finding ways of wrecking the whole process.

I just want to be home, want to watch my baby grow up, want to be with the woman that I love, the one that I have hurt for so long, the lady that I would like to make amends with.

Wow CSA affects every facet of our lives. It messes up everything, and when we finally do get well, it ruins our relationships. 

The very people we relied on to get us through, now no longer trust us.  What baffles me is that whatever I am now cannot be worse than that Drunk abusive angry man that I used to be.

Wow will things ever get better.

Heal well all

How I feel today

Well today is a bad day, I am having a bit of a battle with my wife of 20 years.
Its sad but it is part of the process, I am changing at such a rapid rate that its hard for even me to keep up.
Things that used to upset me, don't.  Things that didn't do.
I used to avoid being close to my wife and any touch was just that, a pat on the shoulder, a pat on the leg.  As long as it wasn't intimate it was fine.
Now I crave the intimacy, its like I want to make up for lost time, but alas, she is tired of waiting for me to change, she wants to carry on with the life that she has forged for herself, and she is struggling to work out what I am now.
Cant say that I blame her.

All that I have to say is that it does get better, and "This to shall pass"

Heal well all

16 comments:

Matrixmen said...

Days are tough at this point of recovery.
Although I feel great, and mentally I feel amazing, my wife does not see it the same way. She has supporters Fatigue, she has got to the point where she is not really interested in what I think I am achieving and some how does not believe me.
I cant blame her, after all I have abused her mentally for 20 years. She is allowed to be a little pissed at me.
I'm tired of not being believed and having everything questioned, of having to explain every little facet of my life.
When I say that I am over the porn and the on-line dating, I mean it. I suppose I have said that many times before, and It wasn't over, but that was then, this is now.
I didn't know I was a survivor then, odd knowing that I endured sexual abuse for so many years and denied that it happened.
I suppose it was a miracle that I heard these survivors talking about their lives and what CSA had done to them. That is when I finally put one and two together and got LIFE. I realized that hiding from your past is not dealing with it. Forgetting about your past does not make it go away.
Well, I suppose now my past is out in a big way, the world is welcome to come and read about it.

Guys as I have said before, don't let your perpetrators affect your life any more, you are special, you deserve better, you will overcome and you can heal.

Heal well all
Martin

11 February 2012 21:58

Matrixmen said...

Hi Guys

Well again it is a good day.
Had a meeting last night and well it seems that I forget the struggles that I have been through when I first started recovery.
Things that I now take as simple, yet they seem to astound and baffle the new guys.
In AA we have an expression, It is cunning and baffling,(alcohol that is), Well it is the same with CSA, it is cunning and baffling, and it flummoxes us if we let it.
Recovery is all about choices in my experience, we choose to heal, we choose to work at it, we choose to get well.
I hope that al that are going through this curse keep at it and work hard at it.

Choose to get well

Heal well all
Martin

15 February 2012 08:53

Matrixmen said...

Another great day, so far, been to gym and am starting to get ready for the work day.
Thursday is T day, the dreaded therapist that asks the hard questions, but hey if we don't ask the hard questions then how can we heal.
A friend has thrown in the option of appearing on national television to promote Matrix men, SCARY.... Wow talk about throwing a curve ball. But hey, this is bigger than me, bigger than all of us and as Andy just said, if we talk about it, others will heal.

Still My favourite saying. "THE MORE I TALK ABOUT THIS THE EASIER IT GETS."

Well Guys I hope that you all have a great day, and that you all look life in the eye and say, This is me, I am special, I am great.

Heal well
Martin

16 February 2012 07:29

Matrixmen said...

Today? well today is Friday so how do you think I feel. Its the day After the dreaded T (therapist) day where I was lambasted, well not quite, but you know that there are certain things that we survivors don't want to talk about and our childhood is one of those.

So I was a brave boy and told as much as I could remember, and cried like a baby. Wow... aint life strange?
Childhood, the time of our life that is supposed to be the happiest, with out a care in the world, but alas.... it was not to be so, it was to become a time that I would rather forget.

Well we got through the T session and as always, very emotional, so I came home for a snooze and something to eat. (Hard work this mental healing stuff)

Well all, I hope that you have had a great week, and that you are coping with healing.

Heal well
Martin

17 February 2012 07:47

Martin Pelders said...

Hi All
Feeling well today beside the South African weather that has blown my computer.

Managed to get a lap top linked so I could get onto the net and do my MS.org thing or I loose touch. I suppose helping others is a bit of an addiction now.
Other than that the mind is great the body is slower but overall I feel good.
Still waiting to get a firm address for our meetings but it is looking good for the Catholic Church at the Northgate dome.

I hope that the catholic church thing doesnt put off Survivors of Abuse from Clergy, but hey this is their way of payback? LOL.
Well all, I still eagerly await those that are wanting to post on the Blog or want to come to meetings.
I have also changed my profile and picture so now Ya'all can see what I look like.
Save the ugly comments please.LOL

Well all speak soon
Martin

20 February 2012 11:31

Martin Pelders said...

Well all.

Today is a good day again, but the marriage struggle continues.
I write this very honestly so that people can see what it is like to recover from CSA.
I fully understand why my wife is tired of all this, remember that I was an alcoholic for 20 years, I abused her and caused her tremendous pain and suffering. I also used Porn and online dating as a form of addiction. That is in combination with Excercise addiction, work addiction, and so on.

Essentially I have not been present in my marriage, EVER.
So for me it is a long struggle to recovery, to think like a normal person, to learn to feel, love, cry, laugh, and be, well, a normal person.
I have NEVER been a "normal" Person, I have been damaged goods since I was a child.

Guys, although it might seem tough, Don't be scared. The rewards of recovery are SOOOOOO worth it. So Join us in recovery and enjoy a "normal" life.

Heal well
Martin

21 February 2012 22:48

Martin Pelders said...

HI all

Sorry haven't been around, been a tough time. The wife has decided that I must pack my bags and move out. Reason- well I don't respect her, I don't value her, I don't love her.
Well truth is that in my mind I think that I am the best I have ever been and I cant understand this. I don't see what she is talking about. I am home all the time, I don't cheat on her, I bring home the bacon, cant see what I am missing.

For me it feels as if I have been abused all over again, by the person I love. I am being rejected, tossed aside.
Odd I did an intervention with a guy and his wife where he doesnt want to see the effects of CSA on his life. She then threw him out. This I can understand because this man is hurting her, financially abusing her and the family. I can understand the action there, but in my situation, I am doing none of those things.
As a survivor it has been easy to walk away from things and start again, I have done it many times, but my marriage was the one thing that I could not walk away from.
Now I am being forced to walk away, I am being told that I have messed up the one thing that I truly cherished in this world.
Its a hard hard pill to swallow.

27 February 2012 07:39

Martin Pelders said...

RAW AND PAINED.

Well who knew that CSA would eventually get to me and break me down.
I have moved out of home and I am setting myself up in Man man cave or Sh$&^ hole.
One good thing is that I am reading a book called PURE DESIRE. the author has slipped my mind. I would encourage others to look at this book, it is bringing to the fore many many issues for me. It is a Christian book but don't be thrown by this, it has wonderful insights.

Chat soon

Heal well
Martin

5 March 2012 17:11

Martin Pelders said...

Hi All

Sorry, Its a little hard to get online these days.

I am living on my own feeling a little sorry for myself, a little self pity is not a good thing, but mostly trying to face myself.

The wife is a little self rightious, but she is allowed that. She of course feels that all is my fault and I of course fel that all is her fault, well not completely.

I am reading a book called Pure Desire. It is a Christian based book that talks about sex addiction and porn addiction. Set aside the Christian aspect of it, if you dont like that sort of thing, and I gotta tell you that it has made me think.

Sexual addiction is more of a sexual dysfunction than anything else. I am gaining great insights into my Sexual dysfunction stemming from my CSA.

Guys, If you are reading this thinking that, well I was abused but I have dealt with it and it is in the past, Dont kid yourself. The impact of this is tremendous, it messes with you mind.

Work on your healing actively, make a point of going for treatment or join us as a support group.
Life after recovery is a million times better.

Heal well all
Martin

8 March 2012 11:29

Martin Pelders said...

HI All
I took my daughter away for the first time this weekend since the separation. It was a great weekend, felt a little awkward at times, its tough when you realize that you don't exactly know your daughter is all about.
Well we did have a great weekend, abseiling, horse riding and quad biking through the beautiful mountains of Clarens.
Coming back was tough, didn't want to drop her off, but I cant exactly kidnap her.
Once I was home I felt really down and the desire to act out was immense. I needed some instant gratification. I have no internet, I have no TV or DVD Player so a porn movie is out, so next best is the Playboy, you know we buy them for the articles.

Well the amazing thing was that it did nothing, I didn't get the usual buzz, the guilty pleasure, the rush of endorphins as I unwrapped the plastic, the anticipation of what lies inside. Weird!!! what does this mean, well it means that I am getting well, it means that the secrets that held me captive for so long have no effect on me, it means that I WASTED R40 Bucks. It also means that I will have to find other ways of dealing with my sorrows.

Get well all
Martin

12 March 2012 09:54

Martin Pelders said...

Hi Guys

I have been off line for a while and I am sorry about that. Internet, great when it works and a real bitch when it doesn't.

It is going well with me and the progress of life is interesting. I feel that my CSA issues are slowly falling behind me and that I am finally Able to move on and lead a "normal" life. The wife (now estranged) doesn't fell this of course but I have come to the conclusion that this is her healing path, she needs to deal with this.

Well Guys I will try and keep you all more up to date in future, hoping that the internet provider will keep my line working.

Heal well all
Martin

22 March 2012 09:02

Anonymous said...

Hey Martin, it is great to hear some news from you. I hope you are doing fine (It seems like that).
Must admit that there is some debate at your thread Honesty at Male Survivor :)
Be Well, we miss you!!!
Pero

PS. I have some problem in sign in so I'm writing like anonymous.

23 March 2012 03:16

Martin Pelders said...

What a beautiful day I Africa, things are getting better and I am full of hope for the future.
Recovery is a great process and living free of the bondage of my past is fantastic. There are still little areas that I am working on, things that are a problem in my life, but other than that things are great.

Join Us for recovery group and let us help you live a great life free of fear and addiction.

Heal well
Martin

28 March 2012 07:50

Martin Pelders said...

Hi There

Well Things are happening and we seem to be talking to AMSOSA a lot about a mutually beneficial venture in SA and the UK. As I say I just want to help men that are hurting. Personally I am doing well right now, no bad memories or flashbacks etc. So, on the home front we are also seeing an improvement and I feel that the wife and I are coming to an understanding. Didn't want to believe it but the separation is working out, in terms of us having a break from one another, and also seeing what's in our hearts and mind. I know that I want things to work out.

I sit here wishing that I had started this blog earlier and that I could have told you guys what was going through my head in those early days, the pain the memories the doubts and the fears of never healing from CSA.
Well It is what it is and there is life after CSA, A GREAT LIFE.

Heal well all
Martin

31 March 2012 10:43

Martin Pelders said...

this weekend we had a big strategy meeting, and well we are finally starting to plan our first male survivor meeting.
I have found it easy to meet with men one on one and talk to them about their problems. But to get the men together for a group meeting has been tough.
Well we are wanting to invite anyone that would like to meet, to join us. I will talk to a couple of the guys and get them to commit to a date.
Guys, I need to stress that it is a proven fact that the PEER GROUP MEETING is the best form of therapy for survivors.
We GUARANTEE that there is going to be complete anonymity, no one there will know who you are.
The first group meet will be to see what you as survivors want to talk about and deal with.
Call us guys. Its worth it for you all.

Heal well
Martin